Afternoon Email

I'm not usually one for fart jokes or bathroom humor, but the following email exchange caused me to snort water out my nose this afternoon:

Kristin: OKAY. Someone down here keeps farting. I'm going to vomit. Who farts repeatedly at work? Go to the bathroom.

Keri: Is it old lady farts or something different? If it's old lady it's Cora. I remember THAT very well.

Kristin: I dont know, it's just a fart! It smells like fart. I'm not very good at distinguishing, I haven't been to fart school.

Keri: Remind me sometime to show you my graduation certificate from fart school. I was valepooptorian.

Kristin: Congratulations, I just snorted water out my nose. Valepooptorian. This is why I email you.

Maybe you have to know Keri...

Please enjoy the music while your party is reached

I know this is supposed to make calling someone a more enjoyable experience. But the thing is, most people have crappy taste in music, and I just end up with a Nickelback song in my head.

Last night...

Something funny happened, but Jenny wont let me tell you about it.

A Change of Heart

If I could upload "Dead or Alive" to my blog, I would.

I've been listening to this song lately, and it makes me want to take back every bad thing I ever said about Bon Jovi.

Kids are all right

This kid is hilarious, and I love his dad trying to keep it together in the background:



And, the reason I will be raising my children across the pond:

I don't know what it means, but I like it

Go here to find out what Sawyer would call you on The Island.

The Lameness of Truth

I don't want to say that this show is what's wrong with America today, but THIS SHOW IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH AMERICA TODAY. Adam and his roommates are weirdly obsessed with this show, which means I've been forced to watch it twice. And by watch, I mean read a book on the couch and glare at them. I have an intense hatred of this show. Hatred is not a strong enough word.

There are the obvious issues: greedy shallow people answering personal questions that are designed to be embarrassing and hurtful on national television. I mean, they don't pick the squeaky clean girl next door to be on Moment of Truth, they pick the med student who stole her brother's girlfriend and used to dance topless via webcam for tuition money. That means these people are shameless enough to air out their dirty laundry for money. ON TELEVISION. If you have no respect for yourself, at least have respect for your poor jilted brother!

But that's not even my biggest problem with this show. My chief complaints are twofold:

1. Enough with the pretense. The contestants aren't physically hooked up to the lie detector for the show, which means they completed the actual polygraph portion before taping. The jig is up! Don't pretend to be shocked when the question comes up. Don't take twenty seconds to consider your answer. Don't pause dramatically before revealing whether the answer is true or false.

2. Let's not applaud these people at the end of the show, shall we? At the end of this week's episode, the host apologizes to a failed contestant, saying "What a shame, you're a great guy." To a man who was just revealed to have cheated on his girlfriend and forged credit card receipts as a waiter to receive bigger tips! And who lost the money he had earned by lying about stuffing his jockey shorts as an underwear model!

I have to go rinse my brains out with soap now.

At the end of my rope

Enough already. I can't take one more day of this! The heater is broken in my office today, and it's so cold I literally just took my gloves out of my purse and put them ON MY FEET. I'm sitting at my desk, glaring angrily out the window where the snow continues to fall. Something has to be done.

The danger of putting your ipod on shuffle at work

I just walked into my office to find the Judge and Tom staring open-mouthed at my speakers, which were currently rocking out "God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You."

The worst part is, that's not even the most embarrassing song on my ipod. I blame the supervisor who came up with the "no headphones at work" policy.

David John for life!

Kristi and I are out of toilet paper. It made me think of the time freshman year when Bridget, Ashley, Sage and I conducted an experiment to see how long we could go without purchasing toilet paper ourselves, so we would "borrow" a roll from various other dormrooms while people were at class.

Payback

Lately I've been doing little things to let Winter know it's no longer welcome here. Wearing capri pants, watching baseball movies, singing "Summer Girls" to myself as I scrape the snow off the acura each morning, charting the time of the sunrise and sunset every day in anticipation of the evening it's not dark outside when I leave work.

Today I was giving Winter the finger, driving home from the gym with my sunroof open. As I went to take a sip of my water, Winter decided to show me who's boss, sucking the bottle right out of my hands and through the open window. But not before dumping half of the one-liter bottle on my face. Touche.

While the judge is away...

The judge either broke or sprained his foot this last week, so he's been out of the office almost every day. My bailiff, who I share an office with, has taken advantage of our judge-less days to start a little prank war.

It began innocently enough with Tom hiding my Harry Potter action figure in the huge plant in our office. While he ran down to the filing room, I unplugged his keyboard and turned the monitor display on his desktop upsidedown (a handy little trick, CTRL ALT Up arrow, flips everything upside-down. CTRL ALT Down to fix. Works on most computers.)

A little later, Deputy Garrett in security called me down to the Control Room. The control room is pretty high-tech, with a wall full of flat screen tvs that connect to the countless video-cameras around the courthouse. Using a 32-inch tv and the parking-lot camera, he zoomed in on my little Acura, with Harry sitting on top up to his neck in snow. Deputy Garrett kindly agreed to de-activate Tom's security badge for me.

That's when things started to get out of control. I came back from lunch to find (well, hear actually) my cell phone ringing in the ceiling. Yesterday he moved my chair into the Judge's private bathroom and put donuts on the ends of my windsheild wiper blades. At Wendy's fantastic suggestion, I sent out an email from Tom's computer to the entire staff:

"Hey everybody, Tom here from Judge McDade's office. I got my hair cut and highlighted last night and it looks great! Come say hello and take a look, office 202." The rest of the afternoon, I kept a straight face as court employee after court employee came to compliment his new 'do. He figured it out at about 4:30 because his lame bailiff friend replied to the email.

But now I'm out of ideas. Heard of any good office pranks?